“Yes mom, don’t worry! I will do just fine.” I said to my mother over the phone. Mothers are one odd creature, I tell you; they can be strong at times when everyone else is falling apart, and yet they can act paranoid when there is no logical reason behind it.
I was shifting to Delhi, to join my first job, and she was reacting like I was going for a war to fight.
“Please double check, you always forget to pack your toothbrush” she said.
“Mom! I checked, it is there. I packed it. I’m going to Delhi, not to some extreme remote corner of the world, even if I had forget it, I’m sure they sell toothbrushes in Delhi.” I replied reluctantly.
“Still, what’s the harm of being extra careful?” she’d say.
“Okay mom, I promise I will be. But now, I really have to get going. I have loads to do.” I said, and hung up the phone after wishing her a good night.
The brown letterbox, which contained my joining letter was peeping through the chains of my overly packed bag. I took it out to reconfirm, for I was still in the trance of the news that I was placed, in this time of recession the IT industry was facing. “Tata Consultancy Service” the letterhead read. My hard work paid off, afterall that is what I wanted, to bag a decent job. I know I’m supposed to be ‘goosebumps’ happy, but strangely I wasn’t.
Not everyone is as lucky as I am. My life is a fairy tale for anyone who belongs to middle class family. But deep inside, I was never really happy. I always thought there are two types of people: One, who knows the key of happiness, who always, somehow, finds a reason or two to be happy. And the second bunch, who doesn’t knows the do-s and don’t-s of happiness. And sadly enough, I was one of the second kind.
When I was in class 10th, I thought, maybe scoring a decent marks in the Board’s exam is what it takes to be happy. Then in my +2, I thought maybe getting a good rank in the competitive exams of engineering and hence getting admitted to a good college is what would really make me happy. Then in initial days of college, I thought, maybe to steal the heart of the most gorgeous girl in the college would finally give me my desired happiness. And in final year, I thought maybe to bag the best job in the campus placement is the key. And as life went by, I did accomplish all of the above, but never really felt the thrill of ecstasy. The feel when hushing winds cherish your face after a stressful day, or when you smell the odour of wet soil after the first rain of the season, that kind of soothing thrill. I never felt that kind of happiness after achieving anything. Maybe I was too lost in the pursuit of happiness that I forgot to cherish it.
The heat of the burning cigarette-bud brought me back into the reality. I was so lost in the thoughts that I almost burnt my finger. Throwing the remains of the Gold-Flake, I rushed towards kitchen to arrange my dinner. People like me, who lived a major part of their lives away from their home, would understand the importance of cooking their own food.
Soon after completing my dinner I merged into thoughts again. I will be missing Kolkata badly. I have spent the best four years of my life here. More than the city itself, I will miss the people. Though I’ve been away from home, but they never let me feel like it. The majority of the people here are of the first kind: they always manage to find a reason to be happy. And among those happy faces, I will miss Aditi the most.
I met Aditi after finishing the first year of my college. I was no longer a ‘junior’. Finally I had the privilege of calling myself a ‘senior’. The sudden impact, it leaves you with, is incomparable. ‘Ragging’, or to be specific ‘intro’ is a tradition of most of the engineering colleges, and ours wasn’t an exception. So when the new batch comes to the college, the crowd outside of the actual college premises is noticeable. It was that time, when I first saw Aditi. A girl, dressed in a light pink Salwar Kameez was trying to make her way out of the front gate, and a bunch of my classmates, the new ‘seniors’ surrounded her like long-starved lions, asking her millions of questions. She was visibly uncomfortable. Sweat-drops slipped from her forehead and made the books wet, which she was holding against her chest so hard, that they were almost crushed. But somewhere between her light pink dupatta, and hazel brown eyes, I lost my heart. This may sound cheeky, but it was love at first sight. And the events that followed are history. How I rescued her that day, how we came to know that we belong to the same town, and then the series of dates and finally my proposal. Everything else fell into their respective places.
Now that I’m moving to Delhi, and she’s stuck here in Kolkata, I wonder how would be life there in Delhi. How would the people of Delhi treat me? And would Aditi miss me the same way I will miss her? Or will I be just like the old photograph that we never have the time to look again, or the necessity to throw it away?
This is why I hate expectations. Whenever someone expects something out of anyone, he will get hurt, in one way or the other. Destiny always finds a way to mess things up, to complicate things.
I still remember the day I left home for the first time. I had to shift here in Kolkata to pursue engineering. Goodbyes are awkward. But when you see your mother crying infront of your own eyes, you feel weak by the knees, and I felt that too. But she knew it is for my own betterment. I had to leave. She was sad and happy at the same time: sad, to see me go and happy to see me grow. I left. For the first few weeks she called me every now and then. The numerous phone calls never let me feel that I was away. But as days went by, the frequency of the calls decreased. And it stopped at one phone call per day. But that was okay, for I knew she is my mother. And the love of a mother for her child would not change at any circumstances.
Now I wonder, would that case be the same with Aditi too? Would she continue to love me, even if I shift to another city, 1500kms away? Or distance will creep into our relationship? Yes, she loved me; yes, she makes me feel special, but is that enough? Question remained the same.
I was insecure. It’s the nature of the world, we all are insecure about the most precious things we have. We always fear to lose them. And there is a saying, “Out of sight, out of mind”. Thoughts of losing Aditi were covering my mind. I felt the real urge to call her right away. I looked at the clock. The digital font showed “11.45 pm, 14th September”. Most of the days, she calls me at 11 pm sharp. But it was quarter to twelve and phone screen still hadn't flashed the most beautiful name the phonebook contained. I was worried. But not because she didn't call me yet, but because of the thought, that I didn't even left the town, and the distance was playing its role. Was my nightmare becoming reality?
A familiar beeping noise cut me off my paranoia, my phone was buzzing. I hold the phone close to my eyes. It was an unknown number. ‘Who can call me at this odd hour?’ I was intrigued. I picked it up with a feeling of irritation.
“Happy birth day Shona!!!!” screamed a voice with utter enthusiasm. I was baffled. It was when I turned my head towards the clock, I realized the screen read “12.00 am, 15th September”. In this hustle of packing and biding goodbyes, I forgot my own birthday. But there was someone who didn't.
“I love you so much”, the beautiful voice screamed again, this time with a lot of passion. That very sound of her vocal chords were enough to sooth my heart. And I melted like an ice out of the fridge. How could I be so mean? How could I doubt this innocent love? Few miles may part our bodies, but our souls were interconnected. We were so committed to each other that I couldn't live without her, and she couldn't breathe without me. Like I said, I am lucky. But not because I topped my school, or I got admission in a good college, even not because I had a job that pays me more than I deserved, but because I had Aditi in my life.
“Hello….. Anyone there??” she asked in a cute yet tensed tone.
“Yes, I’m sorry, I was thinking something… Thank you by the way.” That was all I could utter. I thanked her for being in my life. For making it the way it is – full of happiness.
And that day, while talking to Aditi, I realised the secret. I finally found, the key to ecstasy. It was not the pursuit that mattered, it was the moments which makes an individual full of happiness. It was never about the goal, happiness is not a destination, but the journey. Little moments scattered here and there in our lives, pick them all, and give them a stir. There, you have the recipe of happiness.
Just a moment of love, a feel of responsibility, a vive of selflessness, a pinch of hope….And a lot of expectations. That’s what it takes to be happy.
#LookUp
